| 038; 22 August 1980 |
[Saturday
August 22nd, at 2:32am] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO ANDROMEDA TONKS.]I need your help. Some one just owled Rufus a baby. She is only a few weeks old and even though I have always thought that I was rather good with children, I will be frank and admit that I have no idea what I am doing right now. Rufus seems very distressed by the whole ordeal, so I do not want to bother him right now, but I am assuming the child is staying here. If you could just show me what to do, I think I could handle it. I have always wanted
[END WARDS.]
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| 037; 20 August 1980 |
[Thursday
August 20th, at 8:12pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR.]Are these memos legitimate? Why on earth would they kill innocent children? And even those who were Purebloods. I know you said they were compromising but I never imagined it was anything like this. Will they stop at nothing? The most terrifying aspect of all of this is that I cannot even fathom what their motivations are anymore. I thought this was all purist agenda, but now that does not even make sense.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO JEREMIAH SMITH.]Thank you.
[END WARDS.]
Death Eaters and Ministry affiliates must think themselves awfully clever insisting that they have not harmed children when the latest display in the Quibbler proves that the opposite is very much the case. Shame on all of you.
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| 036; 19 August 1980 |
[Wednesday
August 19th, at 11:04pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO AMYCUS CARROW.]Thank you. Did you make it yourself?
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO JEREMIAH SMITH.]I need your help. Some compromising documents have come into our possession and we need them published as soon as possible. I hate to ask you for favours, particularly since I know you do not want to take sides in this matter, but I would not ask if it were not important. This new Ministry cannot get away with what they are doing. You know as well as I do that once they have the power to cater to their own side, they will not stop until everyone who is not aligned with them is dead or rehabilitated or whatever they are doing to us these days. Please, Jeremiah. Do it for your country or your family or whatever motivates you.
[END WARDS.]
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| 035; 31 July 1980 |
[Friday
July 31st, at 4:48pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO AMYCUS CARROW.]I know it must be rather strange hearing from me after all this time and all that has happened and I likely should not be speaking to you at all, but I have found myself wondering after you from time to time, particularly since your sister died and I never had the chance to ask you if you were all right. I assume that you are now, or as all right as some one in your position can be. All things considered, I hope they are treating you well, doubtful as I am that they are capable of treating anyone well. I wish that you had truly been on our side and I cannot deny that I am still sore from your betrayal, which I took rather personally. Your sister has already lost her life because of this madness. Now one of the Lestranges. How many more of us will have to die?
[END WARDS.]
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| 034; 03 July 1980 |
[Friday
July 3rd, at 2:57am] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO GAIRLOCH.]Kingsley and I have been looking for Gina everywhere we can think of but we have not found anything yet and we have no idea where she could possibly be. We are not going to give up, though I will admit not having access to the Prophet is somewhat discouraging, since I assume that's where we would find out if Gina had been arrested or killed. Maybe more of us should try to look for her. There are so few of us and Gina was is really a terribly nice honest lovely person and if there is any possibility of finding her, I think our window of opportunity is closing.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO JEREMIAH SMITH.]Now that the Prophet headquarters have been burned down, for what publication are you writing? It may not mean much to you, but I've always enjoyed reading your articles. I am assuming that you have traded up for a less biased publication, even if it isn't as widely read. I'm sure the articles will be even more informative now.
Susan is getting big. I really do think you should allow me to arrange a playdate as a third party between her and Zipporah, even if they are only babies and cannot actually play. It might do you some good to be social, though. You might even like my brother and his wife if you gave them a chance.
[END WARDS.]
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| 033; 06 June 1980 |
[Saturday
June 6th, at 11:04pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO GAIRLOCH.]Where is Rufus? How is he? Please don't
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO SELF.]Please do not let his happen. Not now. Not ever. Not the day before my family died. I can't do this without him.
[END WARDS.]
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| 032; 01 June 1980 |
[Monday
June 1st, at 9:48pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO SELF.]I can't remember the last time I had a decent night's sleep and I do not foresee it happening any time soon. I don't even know how I'm supposed to process everything that's happened in the last week. All of this violence and I'm simply not cut out for it. I thought I was going to die out there. And if it weren't for Amycus, I most likely would have. I wish that I had half the confidence Rufus has -- if he has any doubts, he certainly does a good job of hiding them.
It has been almost a year since my brother died and yet things don't seem to be getting better. I have another niece now and I have not even been able to see her. She would probably be scared of what that woman did to my face, so perhaps I should wait a bit longer until they're a bit more healed. This is so bloody frustrating. I just want my life back.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO AMYCUS CARROW.]I just wanted to let you know, again, how grateful I am to you for saving my life not once, but twice. I guess you are like my guardian angel if you believe in that sort of thing. If there is anything I can do to repay you, aside from making more brownies (which I fully plan on doing!), please do not hesitate to let me know.
[END WARDS.]
The makeshift Daily Prophet is correct in its assertions that Mr Greyback and Ms Pryce are not rehabilitated in the least. I have the scars to prove it.
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| 031; 05 May 1980 |
[Tuesday
May 5th, at 10:27pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO SELF.]It is probably rather obvious to say that this entire situation terrifies me. The fact that I may have escaped death once simply to die now seems as contrived as something from the telly or a poorly written novel. I will be able to think more coherently about it later, assuming that we do, in fact, survive this entire thing. Although if we make it out of here alive, I'm not sure if I can continue this. All of this violence and no positive results. What are we killing ourselves for? We seem only to be losing more and more ground as time goes on. I should have never come. I was useless and now I'm just another useless injured person hindering those who are well enough to fight. I do not know why I thought I could do this.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO AMYCUS CARROW, ALICE LONGBOTTOM, KATE PROUDFOOT, RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR, KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT AND GINA SMYTHE]I know that you are all busy, but in case I have no other opportunity to write this down, I owe you all quite a bit of thanks. If we make it out of here, I will make you all a baked good of your choice. Please be careful.
[END WARDS.]
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| 030; 08 April 1980 |
[Wednesday
April 8th, at 7:03am] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO SELF.]The thought of burning down peoples' homes and businesses upsets me in such a way that I should probably refrain from helping make this decision. I'm beginning to think that this simply isn't the place for me. Well, not beginning, since I have been thinking that I am not cut out for this for quite some time. As if feeling as though I could not trust anyone here wasn't bad enough, now I am not even sure that I know who they are. A year ago, I could not have imagined things ever coming to this. I just hope that we are not losing ourselves and our morals by giving in to the present circumstances.
Rufus said that we must fight fire with fire -- quite literally -- but wouldn't it make more sense to fight it with water? That was a stupid metaphor, but I still think that using destruction to prevent destruction is impossible. We need to prevent further such things from happening. I did not begin working for the Ministry to assist in terrorising people but to alleviate the terror. I just don't know what to stand for anymore. Ichabod's first child will be born any day. I did this so that people like them would not have to be scared, but if even I am frightened of what we are doing, then why should they take any comfort in our being here? This is all such a mess.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO KATE PROUDFOOT.]I'm tired of feeling useless I think that it would be prudent for me to be able to defend myself, now. I want to learn how to fight. Would you teach me? Please?
[END WARDS.]
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| [029] 17 March 1980 |
[Tuesday
March 17th, at 9:56am] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR.]
I spoke with Alice a few days ago and I've been trying to find a good time to talk to you, but I suppose that any time is as good as any other. She admitted to me that she and Frank had been involved with the vigilantes, as well as the Prewetts and Pepper. She doesn't trust him either and doesn't think that any of us should - he gave their names to Millicent, which is presumably why she asked him to work for her after he'd been fired from the DMLE.
While I think that it's possible that he did the right thing in that situation, since we had been working to find out both the identities of those involved with the vigilantes and Death Eaters. However, from what she told me, it seemed like he knew that the Prewetts and others were involved long before he let anyone know about it. Suffice to say, I still don't trust him and think he'd betray us as quickly and thoughtlessly as he did the vigilantes now that Millicent is gone, but that's not actually what I wanted to talk to you about.
When I was speaking to Alice, I asked her whether or not the vigilantes and all of us at Gairloch were on the same side - she said yes. We're fighting against a common enemy with the same end goal. And since we're no longer working in the Ministry, and please don't take offence at my saying this, but it's almost as though we are vigilantes, now. That in mind, have you ever given any thought in trying to work with the vigilantes?
I admit, I am still wary of the idea because I'm not entirely sure just how similar our interests are, but it might be worth thinking about, since alone, we are very unfortunately outnumbered. I understand, of course, if this is not something you think we should attempt now, but I thought it might be worth suggesting.
[END WARDS.]
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| [028] 02 March 1980 |
[Monday
March 2nd, at 12:33pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO SELF.]
I hope that Rufus is right about the situation with the leak - at least, what I suspect is a leak. There are too many people here that I don't feel as though I can trust. I know that I should give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I'm fairly certain that Pepper has his own nefarious agenda and after finding about about Frank and Alice, I don't know what to think. I just feel so tired. I'm tired of my safety being a guessing game and never being entirely sure of it either way. Whoever the leak is - I want him or her out of here.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO GAIRLOCH.]
Rufus has asked me to assemble a team of people to be involved with our future public statements. I'm not sure how to figure out who would be best to help, so, would anyone in particular be interested in helping? I'd probably only need two or three people at the most and it shouldn't be too hard.
[END WARDS.]
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| [027] 26 February 1980 |
[Thursday
February 26th, at 1:33am] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR.]
I've been giving what you said about the former Death Eater leak in the DMLE and under normal circumstances, I would agree that whomever was providing information before would have stayed to work under the new regime, but now, after our latest attack and the resulting death of Mrs Bagnold, I'm not entirely sure. They were far too well-prepared not to have known that something was going on.
And now, with all of this coming to light about the Longbottoms, I am suspicious as ever. I wouldn't have ever guessed that either of them could possibly have been a leak all along. They seem like such nice people. Is there anyone here that we can truly trust? I sometimes wish that I had Kingsley's optimism and could think the best of everyone, but I don't. I'm still not even convinced that Pepper is on our side. I think that you may be the only one that I'm absolutely positive that I can trust.
If there is a leak, what can we do about it? If there's any way to go about finding it that won't be too dangerous, I think we should do it, even just to be safe. Maybe we can try, somehow, to give select people disinformation and see if anything comes of it. I don't know. I just don't think we're going to be safe until everyone here is actually here for the right reasons, and right now I'm not sure that is the case.
[END WARDS.]
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| [026] 17 February 1980 |
[Tuesday
February 17th, at 6:57pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO ALICE LONGBOTTOM, RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR, KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT AND GINA SMYTHE.]
I was going to write this as a suggestion on Kingsley's entry, but thought that perhaps we should not make this widespread information at the moment. I've been meaning to suggest a tagging system for our journals. Of course, as Pepper has so flippantly exposed, there are ways around normal tagging systems. If we can organise one, I think it might be beneficial. If we can organise one that will prevent people people from disseminating information from their journals at all, it would be even better. I'm telling you this because I trust you, think you're capable of helping with this and won't get angry with me for not trusting everyone in camp unconditionally. It might just be something to think about, along with everything else that has been suggested. [END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO JEREMIAH SMITH.]
If you really were serious about getting rid of your daughter, I have an alternative idea for you. My brother and his wife will be having a baby soon and they are far better equipped to care for a child than I am. Once their son or daughter is born, I don't think they would mind if your daughter lived with them.
Of course, I am still holding out hope that you were not serious and have fallen in love with your new baby since we last spoke. But if not, it worries me to think that she could be raised by anyone, anywhere. How does your wife even feel about that, by the way? I can't imagine a mother, especially, would be able to part so readily with the child she's been carrying for nine months. [END WARDS.]
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| [025] 24 January 1980 |
[Saturday
January 24th, at 4:22am] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO BETH FROBISHER.]
Rufus has asked me to extend these to you. It will be a pleasure to have you among us.
Included are specific directions to the campsite in Gairloch, which will work only for Beth.
[END WARDS.]
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| [024] 21 January 1980 |
[Wednesday
January 21st, at 12:27pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO SELF.]
Since we've gotten new tents, things have been somewhat less stressful. I doubt that this place will ever feel quite like home, but it seems as though we're trying pretty hard to make it as comfortable as possible. That's not to say that I don't miss my own bed but I have to remind myself to be grateful for what I do have. I'm still alive. My brother and his wife are still alive, not to mention seven months pregnant. I'm always concerned for them but it does put me a bit more at ease that they're willing to stay out of harm's way as much as possible, even if it seems as though there is no truly safe place now.
Even after establishing the Fidelius Charm to protect us, I have doubts about the safety of the area. I know that I am in the company of some of the most talented witches and wizards in Britain, but I was there when they took over the Ministry - they're versed in what they do. And no one was a talented wizard if not Edgar, but no one is immortal. If there really is a leak and they find out I'm the one keeping the secret, I don't know how strong I could be or how long it would take for them to break me enough to tell. I'd like to think that I'd die with it if I had to, but one can never be sure what they are made of until an unimaginable situation tests their will.
Only a year ago, I couldn't imagine things as they are today. I couldn't imagine myself questioning my own ability to endure or to die for what I believe. Things were abstract a year ago - it was easy to say you'd be a martyr, but now that it's truly necessary, things are a lot more terrifying than before.
[END WARDS.]
I can't believe how quickly time passes. I used to think that such phrases were those that only mothers used when looking at their children grow old but such is that I have seen enough now to recognize the fleeting nature of time. It almost makes me wish that I could take a moment and keep it aside for when I need another. But this is all very silly. What would I do with a moment of time, even if I had one?
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| [023] 13 January 1980 |
[Tuesday
January 13th, at 9:33pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO SELF.]
I don't know how long I'm going to last here. Working with these people at the Ministry was one thing. I only had to see them during the day for a few hours. There was order and consequences for bad behaviour. But out here, everything seems to be suspended. There is too much ego. While they may, at core, be reasonable, decent human beings, they are not people I have much respect or trust for, with a handful of exceptions. We come from different backgrounds, sure enough, but that's no reason for them to be overtly sexual, morally base, filthy, disrespectful scoundrels. How am I supposed to be comfortable when surrounded by people who act like hormonal school-children? I wish I were at home. I wish that I'd taken the safer option and stayed. We're never going to get anything accomplished with these people thinking they're in charge. I'd be better off --
There's no sense in thinking like that, though. If everyone leaves, then truly nothing will be accomplished. Why hasn't Higgs been recovered? Why is it such a large ordeal that Ted wants to leave when he is willing to be Obliviated? If every decision that needs to be made is going to cause this much disturbance, I don't know if this is even worth it. We won't be strong enough to do anything.
I feel suddenly old. I don't know how Rufus still manages this.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED TO ALICE LONGBOTTOM.]
Thank you for being a voice of reason, Alice. You are far more well-spoken than I am and with more courage. I suppose that is why you made such an excellent Head Girl, after all.
[END WARDS.]
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| [022] 05 January 1980 |
[Monday
January 5th, at 1:34pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO SELF.]
I'm having some difficulty processing all of this. Only several days ago, I was spending my nights at home - comfortable, warm, clean. Now I'm living in a tent without my cat, without a telly (and I had just purchased one) and without any sense of security whatsoever. I need something to do, or I'm going to drive myself mad thinking of all the things that could happen or go wrong. There's also the matter of finding a way to justify doing all of this without causing damage to my moral code. It should be clear that this is the right thing to do - we are fighting against wizards who are evil, who would kill us without hesitation or a shred of remorse. But if, after all this time showing disdain for the vigilantes who broke our laws fighting these people, we have become them, how can I tell myself that we are right and that we are doing nothing wrong? The answer, I think, is to simply not think about it.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO THE GAIRLOCH RESISTANCE.]
As we're all in the process of getting settled and trying to find some sort of order, I thought it best that we find out exactly what people have as far as supplies and make a list so that we'll easily be able to tell what we need. I would be willing to keep track since I have no other way to make myself useful I am good at keeping organized.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR.]
What do you think of setting up a system of rules? I don't know which sort of punishments could be used as consequences for breaking them or who would be the one enforcing them all, but quite frankly, I do not trust some of these people. I know that in theory, we are all fighting for the same side, but it's not as though we've never had some one we thought we could trust turn on us before.
[END WARDS.]
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| [021] 03 January 1980 |
[Saturday
January 3rd, at 3:16pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO JEREMIAH SMITH.]
I need you to do me a favour. It may seem silly to you, but this is a very important matter and I would feel much more at ease if I knew I could trust you to do this for me. I'm leaving everything behind and I need a home for my cat. I don't think it'd be practical to bring him and maybe your future son or daughter will enjoy the playmate. And if you don't want him, which I doubt you do, please just find him a good home. He'll die if I leave him and I can't keep losing things I care about I don't want that to happen.
I doubt I'm supposed to tell anyone about any of this and even just mentioning it to you could be putting everyone in danger, but I trust you won't tell anyone. The Death Eaters have control of the Ministry now. I don't know what to do. I can't believe that any of this is happening. As I mentioned before, I don't know what systems are still in place and what they could use them for - perhaps tracking - should one of our journals be flagged, so I can't give you much more information and I'm sorry for that.
I know that I've already told you this once but I feel it is important enough to say again, but please be careful. With more power, I doubt they would hesitate to cause trouble for you if you offend anyone or say anything against them. I know you value honesty and I would never ask you to lie, but I don't think that exercising a personal censor would be a bad idea under the present circumstances.
[END WARDS.]
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| [020] 26 December 1979 |
[Friday
December 26th, at 10:39pm] |
[WARDED PRIVATE TO SELF.]
I'm not sure I'll ever get used to my family being gone. I have lived on my own for some time and I think I'm fairly independent for a woman in this day and age, but independent women still need their families. Everyone has had to confront losses at this point. We're in a war. I have to remember that I'm not the only one. I'm not entirely alone. I have the DMLE. I have Rufus. I have my brother and his family, even if the holiday spent with them left me feeling a bit more like an outsider than anything. One day I'll figure out where I fit in. Until then, I'll just have to endure a lot of lonely holidays.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR.]
Thank you, Rufus. The earrings were beautiful. When you are not too busy being a responsible Head of the Auror Department, I think that you should join me and I will put the cookbook to use in making you a (hopefully) delicious post-Christmas dinner.
[END WARDS.]
[WARDED PRIVATE TO JEREMIAH SMITH.]
Congratulations on your article earlier this week. I'm sure you were pleased to make a mockery of the Foundation. I'm not going to say I'm completely surprised -- many if not all Purists must be as ill-informed as the Lestrange girl. Maybe her youth prevents her from whatever subtlety the rest of them possess. I don't doubt that the Foundation has some sort of ulterior motive - even if only to distract from the fact that they're Purists - by organising these 'charitable' events.
Anyway, I hope that you had a lovely day yesterday. I'd have sent something along, but I haven't finished knitting the jumper I started for your spawn. Do you think he or she would prefer a duck, dog or cat on it?
[END WARDS.]
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